Mr Two is in his late 50s.
Mr Two is an academic, writer and broadcaster who in an earlier career was a senior civil servant. He has grown-up children from an earlier marriage as well as children from his second marriage for whom he had sole care and responsibility when the marriage broke up following his wife’s assault on him and one of their children.
The problems started soon after he remarried. He knew she was a bit different, indefinable, enigmatic and exotic and admits that held a fascination for him. Some of her family and friends warned him but nothing specific enough to raise alarm bells of what was to come.
Soon after the birth of their last child, he realised that her mental health issues were becoming more pronounced. Her drinking increased and as it did, so too did his willingness to accommodate her mood swings and excessive behaviour in an attempt to keep her happy.
He made work-related decisions based on what would please her rather than further his career. Alcohol and substance abuse became the norm, which resulted in a breakdown in her relationship with her children. She was frequently angry and aggressive and used emotional and psychological pressure to get her way. Mr Two and the children found that it was easier to acquiesce to what she wanted rather than stand up to her.
It was at that point that Mr Two resigned from his successful career in the civil service to become the main carer for his children. Meanwhile, his wife was drinking excessively and getting increasingly aggressive towards their eldest child who, having been humiliated in front of friends by the mother’s drunken behaviour, stopped being so accepting of what was happening in the house.
Mr Two reflects that you find yourself in a situation that would be wholly unacceptable if you were suddenly dropped into the middle of it. But because you start off by accommodating the behaviour, it creeps up on you and you suddenly find yourself caught up in a situation that is utterly toxic and abnormal and where the focus is entirely on keeping her happy because in doing so, life is made marginally easier. There is a psychological hold and you accommodate the extreme behaviour. And you keep it in-house… behind closed doors….and you don’t talk about it. Mr Two’s definition of Domestic Abuse is when the unacceptable becomes not only accepted but expected.
Through his professional training, his immediate response was to manage the crisis, believing that by refusing to be provoked, even by her blatant unfaithfulness, they could find a way through. By this time other people in the community had not only noticed what was going on but had started to comment on her drinking. There were parents who told Mr Two that didn’t want their children being driven by his wife as they knew she had a habit of drinking and driving.
Mr Two’s wife eventually had several stints in residential rehab for her alcoholism – which were not successful, she resumed her heavy drinking and substance abuse soon after – and she had a formal diagnosis of mental health issues.
Matters came to a head one morning when Mr Two’s wife had been up all night drinking and assaulted their eldest child. Mr Two went to rescue the child and was assaulted in turn, during which he sustained a permanent injury.
The child had called the police but neither they nor Mr Two wanted to press charges. When the seriousness of Mr Twos injury became apparent, the police decided it constituted a serious assault and Mr Two’s wife was arrested and charged. She was bailed with no access to the family or house.
Social services got involved and his children were put on the ‘at risk’ register and were put in the sole care of Mr Two. Mr Two found the social services and the police to be hugely supportive. Mr Two initially apologised to Social Services for taking up their time, saying that he was certain that they had other priorities and far more serious cases. He was told that the interviews with his children had raised serious points of concern over what they had been living through. He was politely told to stop making excuses for his ex-wife, an attribute that was typical in an abuse victim relationship.
Mr Two and his children then went through counselling which was also very helpful. Mr Two was given one-to-one counselling for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The criminal case was an awful experience for Mr Two and the eldest child, the verdicts being “Not Proven” on both counts. Mr Two and the child felt confused as to why the law had let them down. Afterwards, Mr Two had been told that the Fiscal had been inexperienced and underprepared for the case. He was also told that in the lawyers’ room in the Sheriff’s Court before the trial had started, they were telling jokes about men being beaten up by women.
Next was the divorce and as the children wanted to stay with Mr Two, who had looked after them on his own for the last six years, having given up a good job, pension and other benefits, was told by the female Sheriff that the costs he had incurred in looking after them were irrelevant and would not be taken into account. Mr Two tried to challenge this by saying that if the genders were reversed and it had been the mother being told by a male Sheriff that the costs of looking after the children on her own would not be taken into account for the divorce settlement, there would be an outcry. He was informed that this was not a point of law and his challenge was dismissed.
Mr Two’s experience is that the police, medics, social workers and some lawyers fully understand and recognise that some 20% of domestic abuse cases involve violence committed by women against men. But the media, society and the judiciary’s initial reflex is that domestic abuse involves men abusing women. He added the judicial service doesn’t know how to deal with men who are being abused by women. He strongly believes this has to change and there has to be parity in this aspect of life too. Society’s attitude toward male abusers is to call for the harshest punishment for them. If a woman is reported as hitting a man, however, the tendency is to ask “what did he do to provoke her?”
Mr Two then started to receive abusive texts from his now ex-wife. He contacted the police who charged her. The same Sheriff and the same defence lawyer as dealt with the assault case let her off again, even though the Sheriff acknowledged that the texts were offensive.
Mr Two was brought up to be courteous and respectful and was polite in the court cases, refusing to be vindictive as he recognised that his wife was struggling with various addictions and had mental health issues. She was also the mother of their children and he did not want them, in years to come, to read a trial transcript where he had said horrible things about their mother.
He was directed to the AMIS helpline and is now working to with AMIS to raise awareness of the issue and the lack of parity in terms of how abused men and abused women are viewed by and treated by society as a whole. His view is that all abuse is wrong and utterly unacceptable, irrespective of the gender or sexual orientation of the abuser or abused and should be condemned as such by society and the judicial system.
This survivor describes the psychological process of normalising what was far from normal, to the point of underestimating the damaging effect his wife’s behaviour was having on their children until this was pointed out by professionals.
This report also highlights variations in professional responses to males experiencing domestic abuse. While police and social work were in this case very supportive, this man’s (and his child’s) experience of the court was reprehensible and indicates an urgent need for AMIS training for the judiciary.
